Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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