I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
