Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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