I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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