I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
