Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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