Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
