i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
