check it out our google latitudes are spooning
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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