According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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