Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
