Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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