I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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