Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize