I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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