Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
