people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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