Just took my morning after pill in the library
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
