I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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