wakey wakey hands off snakey
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
