i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
