Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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