I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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