Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
How's work?
Spinning.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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