she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
