turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
