You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
