the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
