I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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