and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
