Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
