mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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