the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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