Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
