i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
