I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
