Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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