while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
