you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
