There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
