how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
