i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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