3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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