dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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