i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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