Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
