sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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