Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
