Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
North Korea, Best Korea!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
