Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
