I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
