Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
