I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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