He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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