Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize