You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
