Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
