So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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