i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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