dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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