do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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