if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
