just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
