oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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