I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
